(not to be confused with a Speculum)
It’s back! It’s the Halley’s Comet of draft prediction columns. Or maybe it’s actually the Hale-Bopp Comet of draft prediction columns. Either way, Fuck Yeah (™ 2010 BerokoffBall Youtube productions) it’s draft time.
1. BigMike- So Mike’s sitting around Bawstun on draft night trying to figah out who he’s going draft. He opens a drawah and gets out a meatball sub to stimulate his thawts. A rogue meatbawll falls, splats on his prodigious midsection, and gives BigMike the sign that he needed. Oklahoma!
2. ReignOnU – This guy’s name sounds like the climactic scene to any decent porn flick. As such, he gets Oregon State.
3. buckeye76 – Buckeye shocked everyone when he left the Big Ten so he could escape the fury of the mighty Hoosiers. Wanting to continue to play teams such as IU but not get out of his geographic area, Buckeye opts to become the MAC daddy. Ohio U.
4. fsupenguin – I would have to be a fuckin’ moron not to put FSU on here.
5. VeniVediV1ci – Texas +34598475 units. VVV is immediately fired after his first scrim with his new team due to his coaching staff complaining about the 10% admin fee he charged them to stand on the sideline.
6. brett11253 – brett’s a Purdue fan, which means he’s inbred and retarded. As such, when his draft spot comes up he jerks off to pictures of his mom, jizzes all over his keyboard and shorts out his computer. He’s given the best available team which is not Purdue because Boilers are fucking gay.
7. quest4gold – Does anybody else picture someone picking their nose everytime he posts? Ohio State
8. mcx79 – Uncle mcx consults nephew mcx on his draft decision. Using all his inside sources, he tells nephew that Florida is the best team left. Uncle mcx is a true insider.
9. Daw1git – Ribs! Oklahoma State
10. JohnnyP – Weasel jr. Wisconsin.
11. relio95 – I found this picture of relio on the intrawebz. “I’ll take Auburn boss. It’s the school in Alabama, only not the same. I tried to take it back AUTiger, but I just couldn’t.”
12. LytezOut – Miami, don’t know why. Just keep reading faggots.
13. seeitsaveit13 – Well since he cant’ take the Redskins, Yankees, Ohio State, the Columbus Bluejackets, the New York Mets, Oakland Raiders, San Jose Earthquakes, Edmonton Oilers, Albanian Soccer, Welsh Rugby, Sri Lankan Cricket, or any of his other favorite teams, Seeit opts to sit out this season and break stuff with his Lacrosse stick.
14. bigred – Nebraska… Ohhhhhhh, so sad. They’s taken. Penn State.
15. sammy33 – Sammy jerks off on the face of his roommate who has a severe case of social anxiety disorder and now is also exceptionally afraid of college dorms. The resulting Rorschach pattern of sperm spells out S-T-A-N-F-O-R-D. That’s quite a load Sammy.
16. LGF – ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh Boise State ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh.
17. Toro – Toro, just pick a team that won’t make a bowl. Oh, that could be any of them for you!
18. JustGiver31 – What the fuck does this name mean? Is this another porn name? Is it referring to a gangbang? I don’t know. Georgia Tech.
19. nole4real – Nole likes to skate on rainbows. Sounds like he’s been spending some time in the Bay area if you know what I mean. As such….
20. Cougnix – Cougnix takes time off his busy schedule of travelling around the country to wave the Wazzu flag at Gameday and saving up to be the first in line to get Ryan Leaf’s upcoming book trilogy autographed, which should be spectacular, to take… you guessed it, North Carolina! Even Wazzu fans know they fucking suck.
21. texasfan4444 – For the love of God, will you just post naked pics of your wife for us finally? K-State
22. wsdp – This guy’s name sounds like an acronym for some new bullshit disorder that the pharmaceutical industry invented just to sell drugs whose side effects cause more problems than they solve. In fact it stands for “Will Schedule Double Penetration”. So obviously he takes Duke.
23. vicktim7 – Arkansas. I know I know. Steam has them. He’s set to announce his departure for a world pot smoking tour with Nick/Brett, AJ, Kurt and Dr. Tom though so now they’re available.
24. gobucks95 – Most would think he’s an Ohio State fan but they’re wrong and they’re fucking retards. He’s actually a huge fan of Andrew Bogut, so he takes Utah. Bearass will be unavailable this season due to emergency rectal contraction surgery. You do know he and Dole are roommates right?
25. oldschoola – Schoola contemplates his decision while munching on a Navajo taco (the disgustingly greasy soft taco type food, not an actual Native American woman’s vagina). As his capillaries are slowly clogged and his brain is starved of oxygen, he remembers his wondrous trip to Vegas and takes UNLV. Feisty immediately steps in and cockblocks him.
26. plasma1896 - The United States presidential election of November 3, 1896, saw Republican William McKinley defeat Democrat William Jennings Bryan in a campaign considered by historians to be one of the most dramatic and complex in American history. I don’t know what this has to do with anything, but I don’t know shit about plasma. He needs to post embarassing pictures of himself or make drunk posts about skating on rainbows, eating fat vaginas or something. Fuck. He takes Colorado State. I don’t know shit about them either.
27. beercop – He takes Iowa and then arrests 12 people just to piss off Trendon.
28. Vttwinky34 – Vermont
29. rworkman83 – Who the fuck is this guy? Idaho.
30. huskerskev84 – Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years is pretty hot now. Kevin never got to hit that just like huskerskev’s never going to get Nebraska. Kansas.
31. jeffdaddy12 – Tip # 634 – When you live with a guy with the last name Harder, you really need to make sure you step your game up around the ladies. Also, you probably need to dabble in some Viagra just to be sure. Arizona State. Fuck Yeah!
32. hitem4781 – Another guy I didn’t even know was in the league. Fuck him. San Jose State, or Purdue. They’re pretty much interchangeable. (Fuck you Brett!)
33. Black Crowes – Simon And Garfunkel: The Sounds of Silence. He’s the Garfunkel of the family. New Mexico
34. Ndlquack – Oregon! WTD! Quack!
35. Cnasty – What has two thumbs and is going to draft Northwestern? This guy right here!
36. tball275 – As “I Don’t Know Much” plays in the background, tball continues to honor the still MIA Linda Ronstadt to his Aaron Neville (sdrawkcab) by taking Michigan. Surely he can’t fuck them up as much as ICE.
37. Baker – Baker is possibly the most boring NDL’er in history. The most exciting thing about him is that he used to fall asleep playing games. Jesus. He takes Air Force.
38. Runthepound – RTP should just change his name to PoundMyRump because at 38 he ain’t gonna get a team worth a shit and we’ll see him right back here again next draft. Maryland.
39. gambit725 -
40. Taruncheel – UNC’s gone so what’s left for him? Wake Forest.
41. Dakshdar – Dakshdar searches across the voids of the universe and contemplates the riddles and mysteries of space. When it’s all said and done, he comes to two immutable conclusions. 1. Trendon most likely picked up syphilis down in Costa Rica. 2. He’ll take San Diego State
42. Steelcitychaos – Doc has Pitt on lockdown so Steelcity takes the hometown team from another city of industry, Prague FC of the Czech Football Association. Editor’s note: The Czech Republic, and Prague in particular, is considered to be the epicentre of the European Porn Industry. You guys are fuckin retards because I know not a single fucking one of you got that reference until I explained it. Morons.
43. BigZZ916 – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. This guy belongs in the Beehive state. BYU. Smug bastard. Mtwasik hates you.
44. dealer4014 – Well UNLV is already taken so I’ll send him to Reno where dealers learn their trade until they can make it to the big time. Nevada.
45. BigRy – Ry has been rather quiet on the boards of late. He’s probably someone’s alias. He now has to forfeit his draft pick and is ineligible for a bowl next season. Only one part of this “punishment” is actually relevant to him though. Guess which one.
46. autiger730 – Mississippi State….. for a price.
47. Chuskerpride – See Huskerskev. Iowa State.
48. iRoccafella – I honestly don’t remember this guy ever posting on the boards so I went and looked up this username and sure enough he doesn’t exist on the boards. He must be Walker’s roommate too.
49. ajalves – Daytona Technical Community College
50. hugme49 – hugme? Seriously that’s the best you could come up with for a name? Fuck. End of the draft for you.
51. kurt8181 –
Tennessee”Thornton Melon: [on the phone] ... and *another* thing, Vonnegut! I'm gonna stop payment on the check!
[Kurt tells him off]
Thornton Melon: Fuck me? Hey, Kurt, can you read lips, Fuck you! Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum!
[hangs up]”
52. ICE – 1-11 with Michigan. Seriously ICE? WTF? Even Toro could get them to a bowl game. Utah State for you.
53. the_niddler – The Niddlers Guide to Drafting a Team:
54. OracleHCR – Oracle eats some shrooms, consults himself, and takes Ole Miss.1. Pick some nice background music to get you in the right frame of mind. I prefer “If You Don’t Know Me by Now” by Simply Red.
2. Pick out a nice mellow red wine to relax the soul.
3. Now that you’ve set the mood, get fully naked, white pleather g-string included.
4. Take a look at conferences and the coaches who’ve already drafted into them or are staying.
5. Find someone who you get along with. Conflict within a conference can be a real Debbie Downer and nobody likes that one bit!
6. Draft a team from the conference you’ve selected, but not a great one nor a bad one either. Keep everyone happy and take that team that’s just going to be mediocre.
7. Sit back and be satisfied that you’ve gotten through the draft, apply some bright red lipstick, light a Virginia Slims Menthol, and jerk off furiously. You’ve come a long way Niddler!
55. wastingU – Has this guy wasted anybody in the history of the league, other than Toro? Minnesota.
56. Hoos –
57. MVikes84 – Note to MVikes, Randy Moss is about as relevant to the NFL anymore as pick #57 is to this draft. Also irrelevant: Wyoming.
58. matt32 – I’m confused, which matt is this? Baylor.
59. krgkmg – krgkmg gives Geno Auriemma a call. Geno calls Pat Summit. Pat Summit calls Phil Fulmer. Fulmer heads to Whoopi Goldberg’s Psychic Séance Shop and consults Johnny Majors. Johnny Majors consults God. God says take TCU. Of course.
60. Bucki2000 – Nope not gonna get em either. Toledo.
61. BsktbllJk – Poopie. ULL
62. Hart4Heisman – Toronto Argonauts
63. mtwasik – mtwasik misses the draft because he’s stuck in a real didgeridoo of a dilemma. Should he go to Provo and take a dump on the BYU chancellor’s desk because BYU is a bunch of poopy pants conference wreckers or go to Miami and kick Riccio in the balls for saying the Big East is better than the MWC? Either way, New Mexico State.
64. usmarine7t – Parris Island motherfuckers!
65. shiftdnb – wicki wicki wicki Syracuse y’all!
66. RB4SC22 – I swear I used to know everyone in the league. I have no clue who this guy is either. That must mean that he hasn’t done shit. Some of you guys need to either step up your gameplay or your board activity. UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs
67. I_S33M_THAB33T_U – Western Michigan, but only between the hours of 232AM-337AM Monday, Thursday, and Saturday and 407AM-612AM all other days except for Jewish Holidays and Martin Luther King day in which case all times are then converted to Greenwich Mean Time minus 27 minutes.
68. TEEwade – This is definitely tball’s alias. Ball State
69. ndlkdog36 – kdog is really excited for SEASON 21 and thinks he has a good CHANCE to do well in SEASON 21 with CENTRAL MICHIGAN UNIVERSITY.
70. dcane7 – You’re back again? Seriously? Bowling Green
71. nick – Purdue(Fuck you Brett!)…wait…. Nick…. Brett. Fuck I don’t know.
72. Easportsbama – Have you guys seen Val Kilmer lately? Fuck! Doc Holliday/Iceman my ass. They should do a remake of Top Gun with him playing the part of the Jukebox.
73. BigStimpin – I typed “Stimpin” into the Yahoo Image Search and this was the 16th picture that came up. Eastern Michigan by the way.
74. Old Ky Shark – Louisiana Tech. This guy’s still in the league? He probably doesn’t post anymore because some other asshole Kentucky homer is hogging all the bandwidth coming out of that shithole of a state.
75. Harder – Tip #37.3D- Just hold the fuckin’ camera steady fucknut. UAB
76. Ciroc™ - This sounds like some kind of fuckin’ character from Magic the Gathering or something. Definitely Dole’s alias. End of the draft motherfucker!
77. matt90210 – Stop playing league games. Spend more time at that gym snapping surreptitious pics of hot chicks stretching. Post on boards. That is all.
78. cunit879 – I still look at this guy’s name and instantly see “cunt”. This is in no way a reflection on his character. South Florida.
79.TPev20 – I’m at a loss. UMass-Lowell
80. Yragha – You’re back again? Really? Rice
81. dtilson – I know fuck all (™ 2007 Can-eh-dian Industries) about this guy, so here just enjoy this:
82. syronedog and 83. lstee – Just bend over, bite the pillow and hope it’s going to be over soon. Western Kentucky and UL Monroe.
